Is very defiant / Frequently saying "No!"
Before You Begin
Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.
Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you.
Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.
The Core Problem
Feelings of being misunderstood and resentment toward having to live under someone else's rule (in their eyes).
What Will Make It Worse
Reacting with anger, criticism, or immediate punishment will escalate the child's defiance and lead to power struggles.
What The Child Needs
1. More opportunities to steer their life: In situations where you aren't happy with what they are doing, create the opportunity for the child to feel independent and in control by offering choices (that are better for you and appealing to them) for them to decide between to do instead.
2. Better coping and communication skills: Teach the child appropriate ways to express their emotions and handle frustration or overwhelming feelings, such as calmly explaining what is going wrong from their perspective and what they think would be a better way forward.
3. Positive reinforcement: Praise and encourage the child when they raise their objections appropriately so that they feel increasingly motivated to express their emotions and needs constructively.
4. Clear expectations of them: Clearly communicate your expectations and the consequences of uncooperative defiance in a calm and assertive manner from the beginning. When the child does test the boundary, follow through with the outlined consequences to ensure they see you are holding firm. Negotiating or giving in to previously discussed defiance will break the cause and effect punishment logic in their mind and encourage them to continue to challenge you.
How To Have The Conversation With Your Child
Find a time and place free of distractions where the child will feel comfortable talking freely.
Begin the conversation with empathy, expressing that you see they are getting more and more tired of being told what to do, and that's a normal part of growing up.
Continue by sharing with them that you remember what it feels like at that age. [Ideally, share with them specific memories of things you thought were reasonable that your parents, or authorities in your life, wouldn't let you do]
Next, tell them that as they get older, you can trust them more, and you will be giving them more opportunities to make choices about what they get to do as long as they can calmly express their frustrations when they don't like what is happening. [Then go into pointer #2 of "What The Child Needs" teaching them better coping and communication skills so they know what they should do instead]
Close the conversation with them, saying that you will always recognize when they are handling things well and making great choices but they are still expected to [go into detail on pointer #4].
The goal is for the child to better handle situations that aren't what they want because they see the effort you are making for their benefit and they like the feeling of being included in decisions.