Unrealistic standards for themselves
Before You Begin
Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.
Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you.
Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.
The Core Problem
A misunderstanding inside of them that any imperfection of theirs means that they are lesser of a person or unlikeable.
What Will Make It Worse
Reacting with annoyance or dismissing the child's feelings will increase their stress level and likely lead to increased self-criticism.
Additionally, comparing the child to others or putting excessive pressure on them can also exacerbate the problem.
What The Child Needs
1. To have self-compassion: Reiterate the importance of being kind and forgiving to oneself because of the understanding that everyone has imperfections and things they are not great at. Let them know that comparing themselves to others is a fast way to go from happy to sad which is why there is the well-known statement "comparison is the thief of joy".
2. Realistic goal-setting and a wiser perspective: Encourage the child to set challenging but achievable goals, and celebrate progress and experience, regardless of the outcome.
3. To have the good in them outshine the bad: Help them come up with a list of things that are uniquely wonderful about them, making them a cherished one-of-a-kind. Encourage the child to review or build upon that list anytime they are feeling down about themselves.
How To Have The Conversation With Your Child
If you see that your child is in an emotional tailspin from not being good enough in their eyes, sit with them or put your arms around them.
Ask if you can listen to them while they tell you what is specifically bothering them. Just be with them as they talk, to make them feel heard and cared about.
Tell them that what they are feeling is also felt by people all around the world, including you, at times.
Share with them that you want to help them find the sweet spot of having high standards and aspirations, with a balance of self-compassion because no one has it all or can do it all. Then take them through the points found under "What The Child Needs".
In the days/weeks following this conversation, celebrate their wins but also make an effort to help them see the everyday good in themselves.